1. The Front Row Kid
“Oh, we had to read chapters 1-3? I thought you said chapters 1-16. Anywho, I baked you a cake.”
- Fact: Nearly everyone was Front Row Kid in high school. But at Harvard? This person must be doing literally nothing else because no one can possibly be this invested in a class. Hopefully, they’ll run out of energy before the end of the semester. We also hope they bald prematurely.
2. The Asshole
“As Søren Kierkegaard would say…”
- The know-it-alls aren’t annoying because they know it all. They’re annoying because they know as much as the rest of us, but somewhere along the line, picked up a skinny scarf, horn-rimmed glasses, and a few ten-dollar words (“his argument is so...puissant”), so now they think they’re hot shit.
3. The Mysterious Hottie
“Ryan Reynolds is my cousin.”
- The hot section kids are the only reason you haven’t been wearing sweats and a t-shirt to class every day. They basically never do anything but sit there and look pretty, and you wish they would just look over and realize you were meant to be together.
4. The One-And-Done-r
“I can’t speak for all of the readings, but…”
- The One-and-Done-r does one reading a week, makes a comment about that one reading in section, and doesn’t utter another word for the rest of the class. Rinse and repeat for a solid A-. They are explicitly present for their participation points: If you’ve never noticed them, it means they’re doing their jobs right. Note: You will be this kid for at least one class per semester.
5. The Invisible Man
- This person takes giving zero fucks to a completely different level. If it weren’t for the fact that you were in section with them right now, you wouldn’t believe that they were even in the same class as you. Thanks to this one, you’ll never quite be the worst in section (but you could prove us wrong).
6. The Aggressive Note Taker
“I wrote it down”
- Twelve different highlighters. Color-coded diagrams. A computer with the loudest keyboard on the planet. We’re convinced this girl, a distant cousin of Front Row Kid, was planted in section solely to intimidate everyone else into paying attention (though it’s still unclear if she knows what’s going on).
7. Sandwich Kid
*munches on ham and cheese*
- Oh my god. This kid couldn’t go to Annenberg so he brought the entire damn cafeteria to Sever. Celery. Pretzels. Dude will pull a hard-boiled egg right out of his backpack without blinking an eye.
8. The Devil’s Advocate
“I don’t want to be that guy, but…”
- This kid fights with everyone. About everything. That kid who stands up in lecture and challenges the professor to a duel. “B-but, it’s for the sake of argument!” No, Joe. It’s because you suck.
9. The Encouraging Nodder
“What she said.”
- This person is too shy to speak, so instead he/she just nods encouragingly after someone actually contributes to the conversation, occasionally throwing in an emphatic “Mmm!” or “Right, right!” to exercise those vocal cords/prove that they’re still alive.